Share Post

At my recent live event, a COO asked me for my thoughts on managing without ‘chasing’

A COO asks: “I’m a COO in a start-up professional services company. We’re growing at pace, and it needs the whole team to contribute. I tell people what needs to be done, they agree – and then they don’t do it. A weird dynamic has formed where they wait for me to chase them. How do I stop becoming the accountability system for everyone else?”

Arabella replies: 

First, you’re describing something fairly normal… and also really draining. The moment you become the person who has to “chase”, you’ve slipped into a relationship dynamic that requires a lot of mental labour.

In situations like this, leaders often talk and explain, assign a task and then walk away assuming it’s “onboarded”. But two things get in the way:

    1. People have a very limited capacity for explanation. They don’t always hear it.
    2. Giving a task and assuming commitment can be wishful thinking.

In mediation, we treat agreement like a discipline. It isn’t real until it’s mutual, explicit, and stress-tested.

So I’d shift you from “discussion mode” to negotiated requests.

Try this structure: “Would you be willing to do X by Friday afternoon?”…and then leave silence. (Read why the phrase “Would you be willing…?” works, here.)

That silence matters because it gives the other person a moment to check: Do I want to do it? Can I do it? What am I actually committing to?

Questioner: But I already do a lot of “We need to do xyz.  What do you think?”

Arabella: Yes – and that’s exactly the difference. “What do you think?” is collaborative brainstorming, and respondents may slip into philosophy mode. Lovely, but their thoughtful response is not the same as a commitment – and you may be taking it as one.

By contrast, “Would you be willing to… by Friday?” is a request with weight.

Once they have responded to your weighted request, comes the second phase: ‘bottom it out.’

In mediation, once we’ve got a yes, we’re still only about 10% in. We then ask the questions that land it in real life:

  • “When exactly could you do this?”
  • “Is that realistic?”
  • “What’s the blocker likely to be?”
  • “If it’s not done by Friday, what should happen?”

And here’s the key: pre-agree the boundary.

You’re not punishing or threatening. You’re simply working mutually to pre-agree a Plan B… in advance. 

For example you could say to your employee: “If I don’t have it by Tuesday, what should I do?” 

Questioner:  They’ll often say: “Send me a reminder.”

Arabella: And that’s your moment to hold the line:

“Sending you reminders isn’t going to work for me. My proposal is: if you haven’t been able to complete it by Tuesday, I give it to [another person] to do instead. Are you comfortable with that?”

Now you’ve created a system where you’re not paying people to perform with your energy – and you’re not stuck in an endless wrangle. Your eyes aren’t on them, personally. Your eyes are on the thing that needs to get done, and you’re simply finding a home for it. 

Your colleague can decide if they will meet the deadline or not – you’re not going to be the one losing sleep over the task’s execution. Over time, the colleague’s patterns will become clear and speak for themselves. Often it transpires people are in a wrangle with themselves not you, as long as you decline to be subject to their pattern. 

_____

If you’re a leader/manager and you feel like you’ve become the accountability system – chasing, reminding, re-explaining – you don’t need to tolerate that dynamic forever. I’m Arabella and I help thoughtful people make future-focussed decisions, peaceably. I support leaders and teams to rebuild workable agreements, boundaries and delivery, without turning the workplace into a battle. If you want to explore what this could look like in your situation, get in touch and we’ll have a first conversation.

Related Articles